How?

How would you even tell your parents that you’re dying inside? How would you even say like I need support?

I find myself looking to this conclusion every time I reach literal rock bottom. How would they react if they found out if they would never be able to see me again. That is the worst fear.

I would want my child to be able to come to me whenever they needed support. But I feel like I genuinely couldn’t tell my parents exactly what state I am in. They are very caring and would/do the utmost best they can do for me, and they have sacrificed their whole lives for me. I couldn’t have better parents than I already do.

But I am literally left in a complete void. Uni doesn’t feel like home, and when I do go home, that doesn’t feel like home anymore. I feel like I don’t have any real close genuine friends that could fully support me as everyone is doing their own things. And rightfully so.

To describe it, it’s like walking down the street after midnight, and all you hear is a few distant cars, some odd noises, and nothing but your own heart beating plus your footsteps. The voice inside my head has full control and there’s nothing I can physically do about that.

If anything right now I am closer to ending it than ever before.

7 thoughts on “How?

  1. misterbeliever says:

    hey friend… keep on keeping on, like i always tell you. i can tell from your words that you’re hurting a lot. do what i do… take a shower and sleep it off.

    as far as parents, i am sure of it that yours will be very different from mine. it was very hard for me to come to realize that i am suffering from depression. i remember when i told my parents… i said this… i said ‘i think i’m going through depression.’ and of course after crying a bit, their reaction was different. it was really hard for them to understand. they didn’t understand how i got into this state. and with that in their mind, they didn’t do much to help… when i was at my peak of wanting to end it all, they stepped in and it still was not enough to help me through it all. i still sufferers after.

    but enough of me… you are strong and i have a feeling that if you just come out with it, you will have the support you need. if you say they are caring/loving parents, they should have the heart to be able to help. and if for some reason they do not understand, let them know that it’s okay to not completely understand. what my therapist taught me is, let the parents know what you want out of their support… like for example… you can maybe ask them to check up on you every couple of days or once a week… know what i mean? or you can just say, hey can you give me a hug and tell me you love me? it’s kind of weird asking for those certain things but no matter how simple they can be, you know? but once they know how much of a hard time you’re going through, you never know… you might get what you need. and i know it’s gonna be hard. but don’t push away. don’t keep it a secret.

    anyway bud. keep on keeping on.

    Like

    1. anexplorertrapped says:

      hey bud,

      you know what I love about this site, is the fact that you’re someone I don’t even know, yet you’ve been offering me advice and support for ages, and for one I am so grateful for 🙂

      That must’ve taken a lot out of you to actually manage to tell your parents so fair play for doing that bud, just goes to show how strong you are. I hope you’re okay, it’s nice to hear that you’re doing good these days which honestly makes me happy to hear 🙂

      As much as I want to go tell them, they have enough on their plates already. They’re currently funding two kids at uni, and my dad is quite unwell. I fully get that they’ll be there for me, but I don’t think I can do it to them yet. They do ring me every now and again at uni, and I like that, because I do like my space, and they do understand that I am an adult.

      I’ve managed to get help from the university which I guess is a step in the right direction, and I’ve confided with a really good friend of mine who has non-stop helped me through some really difficult times. It was just in the moment of writing that WordPress, I genuinely couldn’t see that this person I’ve spoken to about this, was here for me.

      Thank you again for your support pal, I honestly appreciate it a lot. I hope you’re doing good still, and you too pal, keep your head held high buddy 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. misterbeliever says:

        hey friend, sorry i have not replied. its been rough time lately. i hope you’re doing okay. i don’t see any new post lately… its okay, i haven’t either until today. anyway.. keep on keeping on, my friend.

        Like

  2. Roocha the Sciencer says:

    By talking to yourself….
    Breather and speak to yourself about the good memories you have and you will make.
    Think about unexpected gifts you had in your life.
    If not see that you are powerful enough to be till today…. And you can move further.

    Read a good book, explore places. I know it’s easy to just tell and go away, but you need support sometimes to get that push.
    It’s okay to feel.
    It’s okay

    Liked by 2 people

    1. anexplorertrapped says:

      hey, yeah I think self-relfection could be such a good way of helping me, especially when I feel like I am going to slip into tunnel vision. Some nights though, things trigger it and there’s nothing I can do to stop it from activating this horrific trance in my mind.

      You’re right, thank you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. misterbeliever says:

    hey friend, for the sake of my privacy via twitter, i wanted to comment and make sure you are okay. i mean i know you’re mostly likely not, but i am concerned with what you have been tweeting lately. i want to let you know that we still have this platform to confide in. we have time to talk things through. its been over a month since you last posted. if you have time between life and the university, write… blog… talk it out. i want to see that you are well. KEEP ON KEEPING ON my friend. i will hope for the best and i look forward to any reply from you… anything to let me know that you’re still here.

    Like

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