What they don’t tell you

Erm things have been pretty crap recently. When I say really crap, I literally mean that its almost been unbearable. 

But what I’ve been struggling with most is that I don’t feel right. No matter how much I try to put it off and shake off just feeling like shit, I didn’t realise one thing. Once you have serious thoughts about ending everything, you never really are the same again.

Now I’m not accounting for everyone who’s had serious thoughts like that before, but I’m saying that it’s never been the same for me since. These thoughts have always been a place to turn to, a thought to try digest. It’s almost comforting to think this way. Like there’s nothing to lose. Is it bad that I quite enjoy that feeling of nothing to lose?

Another thing with these thoughts is the rehearsed plan I made that I would walk or get a taxi to the viaduct and that would be the place. I was told by this woman on this forum that I should discuss this with someone locally and a close friend. But I don’t trust anyone at school. And the closest friend I have clearly doesn’t understand and it would be a massive waste of time to discuss it with him. Although he does listen and is always there for me if I need to talk. 

But my friends are so helpful in other ways than advice. They are incredible to a certain extent, at sixth form. And that helps.

But like I need to tell someone before it gets worse. That these thoughts are always there and there’s no escape from them. It haunts me to be quite honest.

Then again, speaking up about this just gets disregarded and even mocked. How is that when considering everything that’s happened. It’s so annoying. 

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