Erm I’ve got to admit since the new year, things really appeared to look up for me. I met this girl who I have really grown really close to and she made me feel like I was worth something you know. Anyway bizarrely it seemed like we were getting really close and everything looked great. I was happy about myself, and I felt like I was starting something new. Then I could see day by day, how she was replying less quickly, ignoring my messages and just being really blunt. In my head there was this voice telling me that she was losing interest and no matter how hard I tried, it seemed like she was getting further and further apart.
Last Thursday evening, I was preparing for an interview for a university which was the next day, and she popped up to me with this massive paragraph. She basically said how she “wasn’t feeling it” and she “didn’t think it was right for us” both to like carry on. Now, I’m not going to lie that reading that message ripped me up inside. Wow I thought. That is it. I hit me like a tonne of bricks (sorry for the cliche, but it genuinely felt like that). My confidence was shattered. My mind was riddled. I couldn’t feel anything and I became so numb. How could she just drop a message like that and just expect it to go down ok. I couldn’t believe it.
It was back to square one. I barely slept that night. I had a four-hour interview the next day, and I couldn’t turn to anyone to tell them what she had done. The next day I woke up and checked my phone to see that she had messaged me. She said how she “felt awful” and how she didn’t realise I had an interview and she wished me luck. I wanted to go rant at her. How dare she. How she had the sheer audacity to message me that BS.
Things have been on and off since then. I met up with her at a party on Friday just been, and she was awfully bipolar. Getting close to me, but being awkward with me. I was so confused.
But like they say:
“make sure your happiness doesn’t depend on other people”
Unfortunately, I have failed to understand that again. Why am I like this. It genuinely feels like I am back where I started.