Repetition

Today was just like any other ordinary day in my life at the moment. I just can’t help but feel like everyday is pretty much groundhog day.

I mean things start off okay and pretty chill. Then throughout the day I chew on a load of thoughts that just burn holes in my mind. And it really hurts.

Like there’s the triggers at school like seeing ‘one’ and also hearing things I wish I never could hear. Just things like that put a huge downer on my day each day. 

But what’s killing me the most is I can feel myself giving in to the temptation of accepting the thoughts of ending it all. I think it’s just that I am truly scared of the future. I’m going to be 18 in a few months and it’s terrifying. I don’t think I can face it all. 

I want to open up to those closest at school. But I’m so worried that they’ll fail to understand what it’s really like and I’m not overreacting at all. I just can’t cope. I’m sick of trying to be something I’m not. And if I stop faking it, there’s that norm of being told to ‘man up’, stop being moody and all that. 

I really hate it all right now.

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