It’s Saturday and here I am sat pondering on so many thoughts and how they have once again managed to wriggle their way into my mind. But I am beginning to digest on thoughts of the end game. And I am realising how I’m going to miss only a few things, but I will regret so many things. One will be how I never got the chance to visit Cape Town. And also not speaking the truth about how I feel, especially to ‘one’.

But the more I convince myself about leaving everything behind, I specifically look at this account. How I would turn to here in my lowest moments, and also how I would read emails of support from anonymous people who actually cared and understood what it’s like.

Selfish? You’re spot on. I am, but I’ve read multiple times that when times get tough, it’s time to start thinking about yourself. But this is something I refuse to do, as this isn’t what I believe I am. I care more about others, because they are my friends, and I really don’t like seeing them down and upset.

If I was to leave behind this world, my note or final message would all be on here. Ironically there would be no regret. There would be no questions if it was by accident or if it was done on instinct.

I am writing this with tears streaming down my face. How could I ever do such a thing. Leaving so early, when I haven’t finished what I set out to do or see in this world. But here I am stuck in a limbo of a world so far from reality at times. I stand at the platform of my world, waiting for the train to reality to come around. Sometimes I catch it. Other times it never comes.

I just feel like people would understand. It’s such a pitiful exit, but I promise it’s not me attention seeking. It’s not me seeking for you to feel sorry for me. It’s just me asking for forgiveness for leaving everything behind. But I will leave you with answers. The notes are here.

But I am still carrying on forward today, with another regret. Just waiting.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight. All the best.


Twitter – @ExplorerTrapped

Photo by Craig Howes (Instagram)

3 thoughts on “Note

    1. anexplorertrapped says:

      Im genuinely really sorry to hear that bud. I know you probably hear ‘keep strong’ and all of that nonsense at lot, and it usually isn’t helpful. But I want you to carry on fighting. Keep them thoughts at bay if you can, and I can’t imagine your battle with your thoughts, but don’t let them make you their bitch, because you’re better than that, bud. 🙂

      But when times are hard, they’re really hard. Let it all out, take some time away, distract yourself and just zone out

      Liked by 1 person

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