Eyes

Do you ever feel intimidated by someone just looking at you? I mean the mixed-signals I have received from the one who I wish to disregard completely, is really frustrating me.

Eyes are extremely powerful. They have so much meaning, power and emotion behind them. Today was just a stark reminder of how much they signify.

I just about get on with my own things these days. I try to push myself away from others, who only distract and manage to cause disruption to me. Most of the times, these are my friends which I find difficult to leave at times, because I am left solely with two eyes and a heartbeat. Sometimes this is incredible, I really enjoy the tranquillity. But most of the time it is an absolute nightmare.

For example, today I had a really good day with my friends. We laughed, we joked, and we actually got on with a lot of work. The memories created today will be the ones I will miss next year if I end up going to university. Although I had a great time today with my friends, how can ONE person manage to cause so much regret, fear, anxiety, and just overwhelming thoughts. I mean I let this happen to myself and it’s getting beyond a joke.

Today I just tried to do what I do best, which is to get rid of those thoughts, and that’s by ignoring her or not giving her the attention that I used to give her. When I realised that it was all for nothing, I thought to myself stop wasting time, and make myself the priority. For about half of the time, I am pretty successful at that. I get work done, I try make myself happy, and I try push her further and further out of my life.

However for the other half, I can’t forget the past seven years of my life with this person being such a prominent figure throughout. We celebrated good times, and we also became support mechanisms for one another during the hard times. But it just seemed to me like I was becoming the sole support mechanism for her, and there was just patches of neglect from her. I saw increasingly the way she became disinterested, but I still pursued. But I eventually accepted that she stopped. So I did too with much regret.

So here at I am today, where I don’t usually mention this. But she’s pretty much everywhere I go, and it pains me so much. But what’s worse is that she’s giving the eye contact, and she’s calling my name and so on. But I am not naive enough to fall again. I have already seen what it’s like and it really isn’t worth it. Yet petty little moments like these somehow remain the only thoughts on my mind when the days end. And that’s what kills me inside.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight. All the best.

#AET

Twitter – @ExplorerTrapped

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