Licence to Freedom

I am stuck in a situation of life where I don’t want to carry on any more. Have you ever felt that you are ready to cross that line into total freedom, but you feel selfish for the pain you’ll leave behind?

It is so frustrating. I feel so finished. Like I know I have said before that I was more than ready to call it quits, but now I am more than ready than ever before. But I hear so many people who don’t understand what the dark moments are like, and say to carry on and ignore things. But it really isn’t like that. It isn’t a case of where you can shift it aside and be ‘strong’. As a 17 year old male, there is that gender stereotype that we should just get on with things, regardless.

Losing a best friend to suicide was by far the hardest news to ever receive, and dealing with the grief was so incredibly difficult. It has nearly been seven months since he passed away, yet there are still days where he’s on my mind, and it still makes me upset the way he left this world. But I do understand why he chose that path if he was feeling that low and dark, and feeling like there’s no one to turn to. I have experienced such dark moments, but I am here today because I understand the pain left behind after suicide. Leaving behind that sort of misery again on so many people affected seven months ago, would be so selfish of me.

But why do I feel all of this if I am so down myself. I have spoken to helplines. I have read online on how to deal with these thoughts. I have received messages from people who have been in a similar situation to me. None of these have worked for me. But I gave them a chance, and that’s what is so sad about how lonely it is.

I have spoken to friends, but none of my friends that I have told know what it’s like and I don’t think opening up to them properly is worth my time. Only one person has shown real interest and wanting to help, but the others have shrugged it off as something that’ll get better over time. But it’s getting worse over time.

And I definitely do not want to speak to my parents about this.

So here I am. I feel like I am ready to go. I know where I will go if the time is right. I have the plans. But I need that ‘licence’ to freedom…

Thank you for reading. Goodnight. All the best.

#AET

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