The Constant

Ahhh I am not in a good place right now. For me, the ‘constant’ is killing me internally. I am so downbeat, and feeling sorry for myself. I am so weak mentally, and I can’t even talk to anyone about how I am truly feeling. If you’ve read any of my recent posts, this just seems to contradictory, but I promise you I write exactly how I am feeling at the time of writing.

I just can’t help but feel so unbelievably down and upset. Like I feel there’s no way out, even when I turn to my escape points. It just feels like I am so alone with my thoughts most of the time, and there’s no one to turn to. All my friends have things going on, and none of them truly understand the miserable feeling compounded into a big heaping pile of negativity.

What’s more painful to think about is that I was once someone so full of life, and had so much optimism for what the future holds. But I let in the negativity, I became self-conscious, and I let people in my life I wished I never did. All of this flushed me of my former self and it seems like I am pitying myself. Well that is what I am doing but it is them memories that give me that glimmer of hope that I can return to that eventually.

But I don’t have anyone who truly understands who I really am. I shut off the one who knew me so well, but she became so self-centred which made me feel so anxious. But leaving someone behind who is part of the misery heap is a step in the right direction. However everyday I see and hear the constant every day which is the tough part. How do I become blank or non-existent to the constant?

I just want to be free again. What’s wrong with that?

Thank you for reading. All the best. Goodnight.

#AET

Twitter – @ExplorerTrapped

-Early post today because I just needed to get this off my chest.

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