Just had another ‘typical’ day. What’s your typical day like?
Well I woke up feeling relatively okay, and proceeded with my usual morning routine. I left the house feeling slightly optimistic. Things only went downhill from there.
I fell for the same trap, and I am questioning why I feel so hurt. But it’s my own stupid fault. The same old mythical adventure in my mind where I solely believe the possibility that isn’t anywhere near a certainty in reality. That was a bit wordy but that’s how I could describe it.
Feeling once again wounded by my own mistakes and inability to realise who causes me sadness, it bothered me all day. Anxiety, depression and just the same old misery that I am reminded of every day. That same person. I wish I never made the first contact seven years ago.
But hey, the worse thing is, I feel almost nothing these days. I zone out of conversations and I feel so guilty. My anxiety is just beyond a joke, I can’t even talk to my own friends without getting attacked by what feels like an army of mind ripping insects. I remember walking outside today and I felt like I really don’t want to be here any more.
I have become so cold, and so immune to any thoughts that I just have to brave the sixth form day to mask the pain I feel inside.
I am slowly convincing myself that family and friends will be okay without me, they’ll move on. I either need to painfully carry on or call it quits. I can’t help but feel the latter is the better proposition. The feeling of being totally free and having no problems to burden me sounds like utopia. If only I had the bottle…
Thank you for reading. Goodnight. All the best.