I usually start these posts off with a question, but this time I am not. I reached for the rope again yesterday. Yet again the guilt of leaving behind a lifetime of burden is something that has convinced me to stay longer.
Yesterday was another day where I have experienced unparalleled amount of misery. My parents left the house around 9am, and I grabbed the same rope that I used before. Bare foot I proceeded to walk down the stairs. Continuing along the hallway into the front room where I opened the back door. The mere frosty temperatures didn’t hit me at all, I felt so numb. I continued along the freezing-cold paving slabs round the side of my house where there are four wooden beams horizontally placed against the house, with a good 2 metres in the air. The beams are securely fixed and I identified one of these beams as a place to tie my rope.
I tied the rope around the third beam, where I positioned myself in a position with a good drop, and a suitable noose hold. In I placed my neck… I felt so unbelievably free. It was a sense of freedom that I have never ever experienced before in my life. In truth I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. But the walls came closing in again.
My mind was flushed with thoughts of friends. I was about to go ahead with it, but the feeling of complete burden was burning through my mind. My mind was a whirlpool of negativity and guilt. I dropped, I lay down for a short while on the stony floor. I became very cold. I untied the rope, and shamefully walked back inside with tears rolling down my face.
If I’ve learned anything from this experience, I need to convince myself even further that friends would understand, and I need to continue with these updates daily so anyone connected with me will truly know how I felt. This isn’t a pity trip. This is my trip. My experience. I am not proud of myself. I am so ashamed. Here’s me hoping tomorrow is better.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight. All the best.