Where to Next?

Have you ever been so worried about what the future holds? Like what path do I follow? Is there even a path? Will there ever be one? So many thoughts, I can’t handle it.

I just cannot simply help myself. Here’s me just thinking about the future. With time going so fast, I just wish things just slowed down a little so I can take it all in. But it is not, and I am left feeling so anxious and depressed about what direction my life is heading in.

My hands feel so sapped of energy writing this. I just can’t quite picture my life working out as I pictured it to be. Of course I am not expecting utopia, but seeing everyone around me so optimistic, I cannot bring myself to feel the same. It’s really bugging me. My depression just seems to be getting worse, my anxiety has returned and I no longer can say I am truly happy.

The future is scaring me for so many reasons. I am just not ready to let go of certain people My mind is riddled, I am just craving someone to be here who knows me so well, but also someone to help bring me back to who I was. In truth, I am still coming to terms with grief. There’s good and bad days. This year has been so rocky. The worst year ever. Suicide is fucking shit. I am feeling so vulnerable.

Last week I felt so incredibly low, I grabbed a rope from my draw and I proceeded to tie a knot in the rope, big enough to fit my head in and to tie around my neck. I put my head through and began to tighten the knot. I felt I couldn’t carry on any more. But I stopped myself. After seeing the damaging effects of suicide and what it does to family and friends, I thought to myself how selfish I was being. But the pain was so unbearable, this felt like the only way out. I have so many regrets.

I could never tell any one of my friends or family about this, so this platform is my form of therapy. Here’s me trying to push through everything. Hope I find my way out. It’s only a matter of time until I am free…

Thank you for reading. Goodnight. All the best.

 

 

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